Handling Negativity in those around us.
/‘We live in the world our conversations create.’
David L. Cooperrider
This is so true, and it is worth doing everything we can to enable those conversations to create the sort of world we want to live in. Handling negativity in those around us is part of creating the world we want to live in and maintaining balance in our personal, social and professional lives.
In my experience, there are two broad categories of negative behaviour in people. Those:
a. Having a low day, a challenging time
OR
b. Learned habitual negativity
This is helpful in deciding our response and how we handle the person on a day-to-day basis. Some of our responses may be similar. Some strategies to avoid negative energy draining us may be similar but it helps to decide which category the person we’re talking to falls into and tailor our approach.
One of the things that is most helpful in our response to anyone, and particularly negative people, is asking more questions than giving answers; open, appreciative enquiry.
a. Having a low day, having a challenging time
We can all feel low at times, facing challenges in life that mean we may not be thriving for a while. Family, friends or colleagues who are usually positive sometimes need a sympathetic ear, reassurance, help or advice. We are there for them, without taking over their problem. It’s important to remember that often listening is enough. Often people aren’t seeking solutions, don’t want us to do anything or suggest anything; just knowing someone is prepared to listen, without judgement, is enough. If they are seeking support; asking questions to bring them to their own solutions is usually far more helpful than taking over the problem, which can then lead people to feel even more vulnerable and dependent.
b. Learned to be, and stay, negative
Being relentlessly negative, like much of our behaviour, is learned behaviour coming from learned thought patterns. It manifests itself in all sorts of ways:
• Fault finding
• ‘You’ll never do that.’
• Cynical – and describing it as ‘being realistic’ or ‘banter'
• Seeing positivity as ‘fluffy’ or ‘weakness’
• Embedded excuse culture, ‘It’s alright for you/them, but …’
• Habitual moaning
• Masking negativity as being realistic
• ‘Be realistic’
‘Be realistic’ is one of the most crushing phrases I have heard, and I’ve seen people’s dreams and positive expectations shrink underneath it. Often, ‘be realistic’, means limit yourself to the expectations I have of you (or of myself). If someone’s dreams seem a little unrealistic to you, you can handle it by asking questions about what they are doing now to take steps to achieve it and what steps they could take to achieve it. It is much better for someone’s self-regard, and future ability to thrive, to come to their own decision to change their goals; rather than have the rug pulled from under them by those (often well-meaning people) around them.
• Putting others down – and often calling it banter or ‘being realistic
• FEAR
of change - 1001 reasons why not and calling it, ‘being realistic’
of learning
of someone knowing more
masks lack of confidence
• Stuck in mindset and ways
• ‘We’ve tried that before and it didn’t work.’
• Find it difficult to step out of their comfort zone
• Not very adaptable
• Not open to learning from any source, formal or informal:
other perspectives
others’ experiences
other fields of endeavour
• Not taking action – repeatedly not doing what has been agreed
Practical Responses
Turning potentially destructive conversations into affirmative conversations.
1. ‘Broken Record’ Approach
Phrases, questions that you repeatedly use. Sometimes using the same question repeatedly throughout a conversation to keep things on track, positive and solution focused. Adopting a ‘broken record’ approach saves you time and energy, shows you’re listening, judges the behaviour, not the person, and can help find solutions and these will vary according to the context and our relationship with the person. eg:
‘What do you mean by that?’
‘What are you thinking you could do?’
‘Who could help with that?’
‘Have you told … how you feel?’ (when we find someone habitually moaning about someone else)
‘Are you interested in my opinion?’
‘How could I help?’
‘How can you/we solve that?’
‘What could you/we do to improve the situation?’
‘Shall we focus on what next?’
‘We can’t change the past. Can we focus on the future?’
‘Can we focus on things we can control?’
‘I hear you, so what next?’
2. Call it what it is with people who are habitually negative.
Be calm and assertive and call it what it is:
‘I find that negative.’
‘I find that unhelpful.’
‘I think/feel that is putting up a barrier.’
‘Seeing the problem is the easy bit.’
‘I’d like you to listen to my ideas.’
3. Move to appreciative enquiry
It was so refreshing to find a book that described the sorts of conversations that we all have experienced in practice, and gave some structure to what I have learned to do from experience and practically applying learning in other elements of equipped2succeed. In their book, ‘Conversations Worth Having: Using Appreciative Inquiry to Fuel Productive and Meaningful Engagement’, Jackie Stavros and Cheri Torres talk about two sorts of conversations, appreciative and depreciative. ‘We recognise conversations worth having by their tone and direction. They are:
• Meaningful
• Mutually enlivening and engaging
• Geared to generating information, knowledge, and possibility
• Solution – or outcome – focused
• Uplifting and energising
• Positive
• Productive.’
‘Destructive conversations often take the form of any of the following:
• General deficit-based narrative: blaming, disempowering, claiming authority, or otherwise minimising the worth of others
• Arguing or debating, without listening to one another
• Bullying
• Commanding and controlling
• Strict advocacy, with no inquiry into what others are thinking.’
We all recognise these sorts of destructive conversations that feel bad and generate negative emotions.
‘By contrast, a conversation worth having emerges if people in that conversation seem genuinely curious about one another’s points of view or how their ideas might come together… Affirmative conversations centre on the following:
• Genuine (mutual) admiration
• Acknowledgment
• Feedforward (the practice of giving appreciative feedback by answering two questions: 1. What do you like about the idea, project, proposal, plan? and 2. What suggestions do you have for making it even better?)
• Motivation / encouragement
• Positive advocacy’
Appreciative enquiry is very powerful in our personal and professional lives, and especially so when combined with positive expectation.
Expecting the best; high expectations of what someone can do, valuing what someone can contribute. Expressing that we expect someone can do something: deleting a judgemental approach or deficit perception of what someone can or can't do, or contribute:
• Appreciating someone’s perspective
• Valuing their experience and viewpoint
• Asking questions that are focused on solutions
• Expecting can-do
• Being open-minded to what they can contribute
I have seen amazing results with young people and adults from adopting positive expectation.
A few examples of language that you may adapt to situations:
‘Let’s find a way to ... What are your ideas?’
‘This is the situation we have. How can we find a way to make it work / create something better?’
‘We are/You two are coming at this from different perspectives and that’s the best way to improve things/find a solution.’
‘I know you’ll have some good ideas on this.’
‘You’re much better at this than I am.’
‘I value your skills in this, what do you suggest?’
‘I’d love your help with this, what do you think …?’
‘What would you suggest to improve … it … the situation … the outcome?’
‘I’m interested in finding solutions and I know you’ll have some good ideas.’
‘What do you suggest?’
'Let's look at this creatively.'
‘Who do you think may help you/us with this?’
‘How do you think we might best move forward?’
‘What do you think may be possible?’
‘I really value your perspective / experience to …’
‘I’d like your ideas on how we can …. solve …. find a better way to ….’
I hope this has helped answer of few of your questions about how to handle negativity in those around us.
This article combines aspects of the Managing Relationships and Being Positive elements of equipped2succeed, and draws on my experience of coaching approaches. Please contact me if you would like to learn more about building yours, or your teams', capacity to thrive and maintain wellbeing.
Beverley Burton