Having More Conversations Worth Having

‘We live in worlds our conversations create’.

David L. Cooperrider

Improving our conversations enables us to more effectively use our knowledge, skills and experience to create the world we want. Let’s create more conversations that serve us well, serve our goals and passions, serve those around us, serve our organisations and serve our communities well.  

In this series of articles, I am sharing some insights and ideas on the core elements within the equipped2succeed Building and Managing Relationships modules:

Being Emotionally Literate

Being Assertive

Practicing Appreciative Inquiry 

In Having More Conversations Worth Having I focus on Appreciative Inquiry. In this, I am unashamedly leaning on the work of The David L. Cooperrider Centre for Appreciative Inquiry and in particular, Jackie Stavros and Chery Torres’ book, ‘Conversations Worth Having’. I was saying to my son the other day what a joy it was to find theory and concepts that underpin what you know from experience and other learning. So it is, with this book and Appreciative Inquiry. It builds on my experience, and work on, the power of positive language, self-talk and with others, developing a coaching approach to bring out the best in others, and finding the balance between affirming and supporting each other and creating that conversational spark that takes us forward. That excitement and zest we feel in conversations where we generate solutions, move our thinking forward and take steps towards goals. 

The foundation of improvement in ourselves, and interactions with others, starts with increased self-awareness. From there, we can go on to reflect - learn -unlearn - relearn - apply - review. In improving personal and professional relationships, what we are seeking to do is develop a more consistent approach that brings more positive outcomes: going into conversations with a high expectation of a positive outcome.

For me this is about positive communication, a strengths-based approach and being solution focused, whilst remembering all those things we consider in being positive in our communication: body language, tone of voice and words we use.

3 Kinds of Conversations

Critical: ones with judgement and criticism at their core

 These are only effective when balanced with strong relationships that have formed as a result of predominantly appreciative conversations. Research has demonstrated that there is a 6:1 relationship in this, 6 positive conversations to 1 negative. Over time, if critical conversations dominate the conversations, they weaken relationships, limit potential and mitigate against nurturing and guiding people. When the ratio falls below 3:1, things begin to fall apart. *

It’s so easy to be critical and judgmental but what does that solve? It drains us and those around us and rarely finds solutions. Of course we need to address issues and this is where we use all our emotional intelligence, assertiveness and appreciative inquiry toolkit to find solutions.

*ref: Research Marcial Losada and Emily Heaphy published American Behavioral Scientist 47, No6

Destructive: ones with no chance of a positive outcome

We’ve all been in the middle of these on occasion. They create or reinforce differential power dynamics, generate a negative tone and create barriers for progress towards desired outcomes.

eg:  Talking negatively about someone to others at work contributes to a toxic

       environment

       Talking past one another in personal relationships: full of judgement

       and criticism, denying one another’s value in the process.

Blame and fault-finding trigger attack-and-defend stances and lack of trust.

Destructive conversations are simply toxic. They drain life and energy from those involved

Destructive conversations often take the form of any of the following:

• Generally deficit-based: blaming, disempowering, claiming authority, or otherwise mimimising the worth of others

• Arguing or debating, without listening to one another

• Bullying

• Commanding and controlling

• Strictly, rigidly speaking on behalf of others, without asking what they are thinking.

Affirmative Conversations

The tone of affirmative conversations reinforces positive emotions, and good feelings but are non-directional. There is mutual advocacy: you share your ideas and they share theirs.

Affirmative conversations are characterised by:

• Genuine (mutual) admiration

• Acknowledgment

• Giving appreciative feedback and suggesting how it can be even better

• Motivation or encouragement

• Positive advocacy

They feel good, reinforce positive relationships, encourage excellence

However:

Over time they may be simply be ‘being nice’ and friendly and can create a superficial environment, without direction, learning and growth.

Conversations Worth Having

… emerge if people in that conversation seem

genuinely curious about one another’s points of view

or how their ideas may come together

We can feel the difference between a conversation worth having and an affirmative conversation. Affirmative conversations foster a climate for positive potential and creativity but lack vibrancy and dynamic energy. They don’t achieve the same depth of relationship or find possibilities for the future that develop when we inquire deeply.

Take some time to think about times you have engaged in                            

affirmative conversations

and

conversations worth having

in your personal and professional life

How did they feel? Tone?

Where did your conversations take you? Direction?

Appreciative Practices

A few ways in which we can having more conversations worth having.

‘Creating a positive future begins in human conversation.

The simplest, most powerful investment any

member of a community or an organisation

can make is to begin with other people

as though the answers mattered.’

William Greider

1. Positive Framing – creating a desirable focus 

We look at this in more detail when we consider maintaining a positive mindset and positive framing is a sure way to create positive outcomes, even in those challenging conversations.

Positive framing means:

a. Focusing on the positive

b. Focusing attention and action on where we want to go or on what we want  more of

Starting with a positive affirmation about what an ideal outcome would look like and then ask genuine, open questions about how that may be achieved with appreciative listening, learning from others, overcoming challenges, recognising and sharing best practice.

Positive framing draws people in and inspires curiosity, imagination, engagement and interest.

2. Flipping – creating a desirable focus 

Step 1: Name It.   What is the problem, complaint or thing you don’t want?

Step 2: Flip It.      What is the positive opposite, the thing you do want?

Step 3: Frame It.  What is the positive impact if the flip were true?

                             What is the desired outcome?

3. Generative Questions - adopt an attitude of curiosity

Ask questions, appreciate answers, draw in diverse thinking, be open to new ideas that spark different conversation, build on best practice.

They make room for diverse and different perspectives

How do you see it?

They surface new information and knowledge

How did you manage to achieve this?

They stimulate creativity and innovation

What might be possible if we … ?

Sometimes it may be simply asking,

‘How can we have a more productive conversation?

‘… the creation of new images, metaphors or physical representations

that have two qualities: they change how people think so that new options

for decisions and actions become available to them,

and they stimulate compelling images people act on.’

Gervase Bushe’s description of generativity

Reflect – Learn – Apply – Practice – Review

ACTION

A. CHOOSE your approach, questions or responses in any given  

    circumstance

             Ask positive, open questions that are solution focused

B. PRACTICE

Through practice your questions and reactions become the positive, consistent practices that generate better outcomes.  

They serve you, and those around you, well.

C. REVIEW The review cycle keeps us improving:

                What did I want to happen?

                 What actually happened?

                 What’s the gap?

                 What am I going to do about it?

REMEMBER

If we act a certain way 40% of the time, people view us as acting like that all the time.

Join us for a live Presentation and Q&A focusing on how we can have more conversations worth having - Tuesday 14th July at 7pm - https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/having-conversations-worth-having-tickets-112703246444

To find out more about equipped2succeed Building Relationships online and in person training email: beverley@equipped2succeed.co.uk